Delia asked me to elaborate on this comment, “I do have some anticipatory worry that this will change things between me and Pennie somehow.” And Mirah just so happened to swipe words right out of the part of my brain that worries in her comment:
In addition to open adoption keeping a wound open and watching what you have lost in terms of parenting, it is very difficult to feel so totally our of control – especially if parenting styles are different – as they are between any two people. A natural mother in an open adoption is very cognizant of being “the other woman” and having no control over anything in the relationship. She has less rights than a non-custodial parent and all visitation and contact are merely promises she hopes will be kept and so she walks a fine line, being “obedient” and placating to one she is beholding to…while at times feeling enormous jealousy, envy dislike and/or anger at the person or the situation. She knows that she is “expected” to feel “grateful” and that is a heavy burden to carry. Adoptees often feel the weight of gratitude as well.
I know that I do things differently than Pennie would do them. I am less strict but also less raucous. I use language around Madison that she probably wouldn’t and she uses language around Madison that I don’t. I’m talking very basic here like in my house growing up we never said “butt.” Butt was a bad word; we said tushie. Pennie says butt and she says booty. These are small things but they matter as anyone who’s been married and tried to mix family traditions probably knows. And lest you think that Pennie is the rough and ready one around here, I guarantee she wouldn’t cuss in front of Madison as much as I do. (I have a mouth like a sailor.) I’m pretty sure she doesn’t approve.
Another big thing for us at the beginning was that I didn’t pierce Madison’s ears when she was small and Pennie would have. She really wanted me to do that. I just couldn’t see piercing — and taking care of — a baby’s ears so I didn’t but I did decide that if at all possible, Pennie will be the one to take Madison to get her ears pierced when she wants them pierced.
But I can see that these kinds of conflicts — now that Madison is old enough to have an opinion — are likely to get more challenging as Madison gets older.
Here’s another one. I’m anti-Barbie. I think Barbies are to mothers of daughters what toy guns are to mothers of sons. But I got Madison a damn Barbie for Christmas. Why? Because she really really really wanted one. It hurt me to buy it, I promise you. I got her an African American ballerina Barbie and she LOVED it. She opened it up and said, “Oh! She looks like ME!” then she ran and put on her leotard.
Pennie and I talked about Madison’s presents before Christmas and I lamented her want of a Barbie. Pennie thought I was being silly (shades of my mom!) and said Madison was getting plenty of good messages and Barbie wasn’t going to hurt her any. Then later I called her to say, “Ok, I got her one. If you want to get her Barbie stuff, go right ahead. But I’m getting her black Barbie stuff.” And Pennie said, “Thank god, because I wasn’t going to let you deny my child a Barbie.” She was kidding but she was serious. And then she said that she thought Madison should have white Barbies, too, and that she did growing up and it was fine. Now I disagree with her here because Pennie grew up a black child in a black family and Madison is growing up a black child in a white family and so I’m all about an affirmative action program for her (like if she was my white bio child? I don’t think I would have gotten her a Barbie although that’s another post). But if Pennie wants to get her a white Barbie, that’s fine. Ironic (black mom gets her white Barbie, white mom gets her black Barbie!) but fine.Yes, Pennie’s influence helped push my decision toward buying a Barbie but ultimately the decision was up to me and we both knew it.
I’m pretty sure there’s an essay in that now that I’ve written that all out. (sigh) Back to Mirah’s comment.
As to the grateful thing — it really bugs me that Pennie feels grateful. It bugs me whenever I read on a blog that a first mom feels grateful for pictures or videos or visits because I wish Pennie (and every other first parent) could take those things for granted. But I know that when I say that I sound like a white person saying to a black person, “But you shouldn’t have to worry about driving while black! That’s just ridiculous!” Because this isn’t a perfect world and it is what it is. Even if I want to pretend that our open adoption is totally fair and equal, the truth is that I have all legal rights to Madison and everyone knows it and I could shut my doors, change my number and refuse to answer emails tomorrow and Pennie would have no recourse.
I don’t think Pennie dwells on this but I do think it’s there in our interactions and I think this will come more to the front of our relationship as Madison gets older. But I also trust Pennie. She may say “butt” instead of “tushie” and she is likely to buy Madison toys or gifts that I’m not crazy about (like white Barbies) or let her watch a show I wouldn’t let her watch but having Noah first and having grandparents who also did (and do) these things has given me a more relaxed perspective. If Madison had been my first, if I’d been more hung up on the “right” toys, food, games, movies, etc., this would have been harder. Because oh did I put the grandparents through their paces, yes I did. Ask my mother. I was controlling and unreasonable and shrill and I absolutely understand why some adoptive parents shut things down because of issues like this but I also think they need the same hard shaking my mom gave me when I was making my mother-in-law’s life a living hell of hoop jumping to get to see her grandson. Because a Barbie — even a white one — is unlikely to kill Madison.
What I tell myself when I decide to worry about things that haven’t happened yet is that we’ve worked hard to be here now and that we have this strong base of respect and love for each other. Even if Pennie and I someday argue in earnest over one of my parenting choices, I do know that she thinks I’m a good mother and I do know that she always has Madison’s best interests at heart. And I’ve learned to relax some although I likely could relax more. (And when I went to the thrift store the other day? I got her two more Barbies both with brown skin and fancy clothes. What can I say? They were only ninety cents apiece and they made her very happy.)
Related posts:
I’m also from a no-”butt” house and my partner says “doodoo” to mean stuff, as in “Oh, look, the dog has doodoo in her eyes!” and that makes me gag. I think I’ve won that round because it matters so much to me but I know we’ll have a lot more issues to come that we could never anticipate. Barbies are probably another, although since things are looking like a boy for us Barbies for boys may be the issue (and I think we’d take opposing positions on both questions) and so I appreciate this post for reasons totally unrelated to you. But I also very much appreciate the insight into your relationship with Pennie and your understanding of its necessarily imbalanced nature. I think you’re right there’s an essay in here, and I also think it would be a great one.
Shades of a conversation you and I had years ago.
I’m not fond of Barbie either, but two things helped me get through it: the positive influences DD has will counteract the negative aspects of Barbie culture – and – if she didn’t have a Barbie there would be negative repercussions that could harm her more than Barbie would (friends commenting that she’s “weird” for not having a toy that is so universal – or nastier reactions).
So I decided to keep up the positive influence and let DD have her cultural “experience” – and I bought the same Barbie (the blonde version) for DD.
Have you seen the Barbie MOVIES?
We’re currently arranging for Mallory to go and stay with Noelle some this summer. She’ll nanny for her sisters, and get to hang out with Noelle without anyone else (me) to interfere. This will be the second time she has done it and I think it’s super important that they establish a relationship without me in the middle.
It’s a weird line to walk sometimes. Like Noelle asks if it would be okay. It’s weird that she asks, but I’d be weird if she didn’t ask me (before asking Mallory). There are inequities. I have the custdoial, legal power over our child.
I think about adoption a lot more than Mallory or Noelle let on to thinking about it. Maybe it’s because I have the luxury of being in the power position in the relationship. Or maybe it’s just how I wired. I over-think a lot of things
There is definitely as essay, or a book of essays, in the doll issue. We’ve been struggling with our kid’s many admirers giving her white dolls and all the accoutrements thereof, though we don’t have a relative who has bought her Barbie. At least the American Girls come with strong girls in little-girl bodies, sited within historical dramas.
Far more interesting is the question about how the family you’ve made with Pennie, which crosses race, class, educational, generational lines all at once, incorporates your diverse backgrounds exactly as much as you choose–because you’re allowed to choose whether Pennie is in your family. It’s entirely up to you. For straight people who are culturally mainstream, it must be a stretch, this notion that one party in the relationship has the power to deepen or destroy the family basically on a whim. I’ve been gay since 1985 so I’m pretty accustomed to these dynamics, but I imagine that code-shifting experience is not available as much to you and Brent and Pennie.
Dawn, this is so great and provocative and interesting and SO good. SO much to mull over.
And I was all anti-Barbie before I had my kids but then really you realize by the time they are seven they are rabidly anti-Barbie themselves. It’s a fascinating evolution. Preschoolers LOVE Barbie, then by the time they are six or so, they generally pick up or are educated about the ridiculousness of her body proportions, etc and really by eight or ten they are SO OVER IT and actually very anti-Barbie themselves. It’s kind of cool.
I do not think the same is true for boys and guns; it just keeps escalating.
Shannon (at Peters Cross Station) always tells me that our open adoption has made our family queer and I REALLY want her to write an essay about that (how open adoption queers families). One thing though — Pennie and I share a very similar class background. She grew up in the same kind of neighborhood I grew up in and when I visited her home, I saw that her stepmom had the same artists’ posters that my mom has! I think this is a big reason that our open adoption has been a fairly easy one because I think class is the great divider. Also she grew up in Tacoma and most of her friends were white, her stepmom and the women her dad dated were white and most of her friends now are white so we have many of the same cultural touchstones.
(posted to the blog and sent via email)
Noah got over guns right after we bought him one, which I wrote about here:
http://www.thiswomanswork.com/2002/07/26/the-story-of-noahs-gun/
But he is less a boyish boy than Madison is a girlish girl. I do hope she becomes anti-Barbie. (sigh)
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Hmm. Interesting on so many levels.
I am, was, will always be anti-Barbie. I have no reason for this. I was just one of those supremely stranger children that never liked them. I wasnt very imaginative in that regard. I wonder if my only daughter had them and liked them? (I asked for thesaurus and calculators for the holidays).
As a mother to sons, I was never terribly bothered by guns but did not go out of my way to buy them or endorse them. Even when they were not present, my sons turned hockey sticks into guns, tree branches and mnore. They found a way to fabricate them.
I solved my Barbie dilemma by getting the Girl “Get Real Girls” (read more jointed dolls with realistic proportions that are ‘athletes’ and come with various accessories) & Smartees dolls (read Barbies with better careers & accessories like Vicki the Veterinarian, Taylor the Teacher, Destiny the Doctor) Of course they didn’t fly in the regular toy market, so you’d have to ebay for them (& you might want to hurry in the face of CPSAI). However, the Girl was waayyy more interested in her stuffed animals (still is) than dolls, so I don’t have much of a KidsKnowStuff critique for you. And both types of dolls have various ethnicities.
I had lost of Barbies as a kid, and my girls have eaten Barbie waffles (I know), had Barbie coloring books, plates and cups– but no actual dolls. We ended up going the American Girl route after a windfall from a student, but my girls are actually not nearly as into dolls as I remember being– maybe they will be over the next year two (6-8), so we’ll see.
OMG this is so fascinating. On so many levels.
Moonbeam’s mom is also anti-Barbie. So I am (or… maybe “was”) IN THEORY, but, well, I caved VERY early on it. Sunshine now has Barbies, Barbie movies, and a Barbie castle.
Anyway it’s interesting, because early on Y and I both discovered that we weren’t big fans of Barbie, so I just never bought any for Moonbeam and it wasn’t really an issue. She’s seven and a half now and mostly past that stage. However, on the phone the other day she told me she wanted a Barbie movie. It crossed my mind to buy it for her for Christmas, but… then her mom got on the phone and I told her about it, and she said, “Oh that’s the first time we’ve heard that, it’s not an obsession just so you know.”
Of course I overanalyzed THAT to death.
Okay this is rambly, sorry. What REALLY fascinates me is that Pennie can say to you “Good, because I wasn’t going to let you deny my child a Barbie.” I cannot EVER imagine saying such a thing to Moonbeam’s parents. Ever. The mere thought of it makes me shrink. So this triggers another question from me to you: how is it that you and Pennie are able to talk like that with each other? Do you think most of the credit for that goes to her, to you, or is it equally split between you both? And did she always talk like that with you? From the beginning? Was there ever any insecurity between you, any inhibition, or have you two always been able to say stuff like that?
Forgot to say: there are two reasons I can’t imagine saying what Pennie did to you. (1) She made it sound like she has some control, she asserted herself in the relationship and in her wishes, AND stuck with her conviction (even if she knew she ultimately didn’t have control), and (2) she said “my child” to you in regards to Madison.
I just cannot FATHOM any of that. At all.
Hey Dawn,
I comment rarely, but read daily, and always love your blog.
We’re not in an open adoption with 5 yo Micah’s parents (their choice), but I think I have a somewhat similar feeling (probably less well thought-out) about Micah’s exposure to stuff like super-heros and TV shows and weapons play. Some of this is just second child stuff — I’m much clearer than I was with 11 yo Trixie (bio daughter of my partner) that I don’t need to be quite so controlling, and that my kids will still be just fine. But I also think that Micah needs access to popular culture in a different way than Trixie does, that he has enough difference in his life, that in addition to being the only black boy at school with two white moms (who look like grandmoms to most of the other black boys!), he doesn’t also need to not know his super-heros. If that makes any sense.
Also: can I gently point out a language issue, because I know you believe that language matters too? And I doubt you disagree with me … but Madison is not a black child in a white family. You stopped being a white family when she joined the family. Does that make sense? She’s a black child in a transracial family.
Best,
Marta
Totally with you on the anti-Barbie thing. I’m convinced that Barbie (plus Cinderella et al) were at least partly responsible for my poor body image that lasted into my early twenties. I will resist Barbies as long as I can, until my little one BEGS. And then she’ll get a Barbie with some melanin and kink in her hair.
I’ve gotten her Groovy Girls, and she really likes them, so far. They come in all shades and ethnicities.
I was pretty surprised that Pennie had the balls to say that too.
This is a great post, Dawn. It has been swirling around in my head all day. I can’t stop thinking about it. You should turn it into an essay and publish it because it is important.
[...] Dawn had a great post up today about sharing parenting with her daughter’s birthmother. [...]
Right access to pop culture in a different way. Exactly! And yes on the language but I expressed it that way to make it clear that she’s all alone in a way that Pennie wasn’t in her family and she definitely expresses frustration at feeling all alone, too.
(posted on blog and sent via email)
I keep coming back here to check the comments and it just occurred to me that this Madison-with-a-Barbie photo is very Pennie-with-a-mustache. How cool!!
This is a question I’m not sure you’ll want to or be able to answer now, but do you think that this open adoption has queered your family? I have a feeling I’d agree with what Shannon’s saying and I’m curious about that.
One obvious parallel I see is that when going through our homestudy and writing a letter to our hypothetical child or children’s first mother (which was weird for older special needs adoption anyway but even weirder since we didn’t know the number or gender of hypothetical kid(s) and thus couldn’t easily use the right pronoun) we made it clear that it would be ridiculous to be threatened by the idea of another mother for this child when there’s going to be another mother in bed with me every night. I’m not saying the situations are parallel — though now that I write this I think I need to post about how the lack of second-parent adoption in our state do leave me legally like and unlike a first mother like Pennie — but there are certain things we can take as a given that others apparently don’t. Your family certainly seems to be in the same boat there.
This comment was sort of all over the place because I’m thinking of too many other things while writing it, but yeah I’d love to read about how in creating a multiracial family through open adoption you made your family queer. And it now sounds like you’ll be hearing my take too.
This reminds me of a time I was visiting my sister and my nieces were playing with their barbies and one of them was a ‘California’ barbie. Anyways, they were trying to dress it in barbie clothes from a different barbie and they didn’t fit!!
California’ barbies ‘tushie’ was bigger than the other barbies!!
I think they may be making barbie dolls more realistic in some cases…
Great post on so many levels.
I’ve kept the boys from guns so far. We have one water gun, but they seldom play with it. Kelvin didn’t know what a gun was until he was almost 4. I was just so proud!
[...] This is probably a silly way to put it, but I get so much in-the-trenches practical adoption information from the special needs bloggers, international and domestic. But I’m also a failed philosophy major (dropped it rather than write a thesis with the only professor I ever met who thought that because I was female I must have less brain than the boys in the room) I have constant need for some theory in my life, too. To get my dose of politicized language and messy, nasty ethics I go to adoptees like Mia and first moms like paragraphein and adoptive moms like Dawn. [...]