Madison and I just got back from the grocery where we ran to get a cake for my boss’s birthday celebration (we need to leave for it in about 45 minutes) and cherries to take to the Clippers game tonight. She buckled herself in while I put the cart away and when I came back and got in the car she said, “It’s ok to be a little bit fat, right Mama?”
And I said, “Yes. What’s important is eating right and getting exercise. If someone is doing those things then their body is going to be exactly what it’s supposed to be, which might be fat and might be skinny.”
She said, “Ok.”
I said, “Were you thinking about me being a little bit fat? Were you watching my body when I was putting away the cart?”
(The line after this paranthetical paragraph is where you see how Dawn will climb up on the cross for the public good of her blog reading public to combat size prejudice. Much of the following info is similar to what I’ve written before but further down you can see what Madison says about herself and see why being explicit — i.e., getting up on the cross and daring to say, “You mean my fat ass?” is important.)
She said, “Yes, I was looking at your tush.”
I said, “My fat tush, huh?”
She laughed.
“Well,” I said. “You know how I eat a variety of food and you know I’m running and exercising so you know that my body is just supposed to be a little bit fat.”
“Not straight like Lis [babysitter].”
“No, not straight like Lis. But that’s how my body is and that’s how Lis’s body is. You know, people might look at me and Lis and say, ‘Wow, Lis is so straight! I bet she really exercises!’ but actually I exercise more than Lis and this is just how my body is. That’s why you can’t ever look at someone and know if they eat too much or too little or exercise at all. People will tell you that you can look at someone and tell but they’re wrong. And they will try to tell you that how people look is ok or not ok but they’re wrong about that, too.”
(Lis will not mind my telling you that I exercise more because she is one of the people I talk to about this stuff anyway.)
Madison then said, “It is just racist to say that people who are fat don’t exercise!”
I said, “It’s not nice to say things about people’s body shapes and sizes but it’s not racist. Racist is when people make assumptions about people based on race — on being black or white or Asian. Some people call it size-ist when people make assumptions about people’s size.”
“I exercise and I eat a variety of foods.”
“Yes you do. You are really healthy.”
[beat]
Then I said, casually, “What do you think about your body?”
“A little bit little and a little bit fat.”
“And since you exercise and eat right, your body must be exactly right.”
[Note: Here I wanted to say all kinds of "beautiful" and "strong" and "pretty" but I felt like this was coming from my reaction to her saying "fat" and wasn't necessary and in fact would be "she doth protest too much." Because if she had said, "A little bit little" I would have just said that bit about being exactly right so I stuck with it. I sat on my proverbial hands. The ones that would otherwise be wringing.]
“Yes,” continued my dearest darling Madison. ” Can you be straight and fat at the same time?”
“Yes, you can have a fat tushie or a fat tummy and straight arms and legs. Bodies come in all shapes.”
“Like a fat belly? Like Pennie has a fat belly because Roscoe is in there!”
And then we segued right from size and body acceptance into how babies are born, what they do before they get born and adoption.
It was the longest ride home from the grocery EVER; I am exhausted and recuperating with coffee (to make up for that lame-ass diet coke I had this morning).
I have been wondering when Madison would bring up the fact that she is bigger than her friends because obviously she knows this. For one thing, they play dress-up together and clothes that fit her friends don’t always fit her. That she used “fat” matter-of-factly gives me hope because this is a label that will be put on her (she is female after all and I think you could be 5’4″ and 105 pounds and still could get that lobbed at you) and I’d like her to own it and not the prejudice that comes with it. And note: The first step to this is asking her explicitly, “Are you talking about my fat body?” And then saying explicitly, “Because my fat body is ok.”
The very first time I heard a 4-year old girl call herself fat was when I was babysitting and this adorable, beautiful and yes, round little girl said, “I am too fat to be the princess; I have to be the prince.” See, the problem is not that she (lovely as she was) called herself “fat”, it’s that she thought beautiful princesses could not be fat. Fat is not the problem; some of us are fat. That word isn’t the enemy. It’s the prejudice behind it and the only we can dismantle it in our own families is by disempowering it as an insult. First step to doing that? Not flinching when your kids say it and even inviting them to share their thoughts even when you know it’s your fat ass they’re eyeing.
There’s a lot I do wrong as a parent. Like yell at the kids when the root of the problem is that I’m drinking diet coke at breakfast instead of coffee. Or get so tense about money that I have a heart-attack when someone innocently asks why we are so mean as to deny them a trip to the (expensive) movies. I mean, these kids have worlds of lame parenting to explore in therapy someday. But this stuff — this explicit talking about fat and about sex and about race and about adoption and all the hard stuff — this I can do. And I have a strong belief, surely born of my fear that I am screwing up in many ways, that if we see our kids as the full-fledged people they are with ideas and concerns and experiences that matter as much as our own and treat them with the serious attention they deserve then they can deal with our neurotic breakdowns. Knock wood.
From Madison telling me that she wishes we were all black (you should’ve seen her, elbows on the table, waving her hands and rolling her eyes as she said it) to saying that she is “a little bit little and a little bit fat” with the same casual certainty that she says she likes pink, I figure this girl is gonna be ok.
Related posts:
More than ok, most definitely.
It always breaks my heart when I talk to my daughter about these things. I dont like that she is going thru the same issues I did. Thank you for posting with so much honesty! It is appreciated.
Tonight my dd and I will be discussing “our” sugar issues, and still try to keep it away from the word “diet”.
Spectacular, both of you!
Have I told you lately that I want to be a mom like you? Because I totally want to be you.
I wish you were my Mommy
You are awesome beyond awesome, you know? I cannot even really fathom a conversation like that with my mother.
Brava. We’re on the same page, Dawn.
Madison is already more than OK and you are amazing and I, too, want to be a mom like you.
Thanks for writing this stuff and for living it!
I am *sure* she’s going to be okay!
Great post Dawn, and as thought provoking and challenging as ever. Those hard bits you can do, I’m not sure I’m so good at. But you keep inspiring me to do better. Or at least to try
Wow Dawn. You and that darling girl are so lovely and together and very all right!
I always leave your site having read (learned? recognized? realized?) something that makes me a better woman, mother, and teacher. Thank you.
“And I have a strong belief, surely born of my fear that I am screwing up in many ways, that if we see our kids as the full-fledged people they are with ideas and concerns and experiences that matter as much as our own and treat them with the serious attention they deserve then they can deal with our neurotic breakdowns. Knock wood.”
You.are.my.hero. But you already knew that, didn’t you?
You are amazing. I hope one day I’ll be a mom like you.
Dawn, I agree with what everyone else said. *And* I can totally identify with yelling at your kids when you run out of coffee.
The only thing I would add is that it’s important to be kind to fat people who don’t eat well and exercise. (Therefore they are not the “right” size.) There are a lot of reasons that people don’t always do what’s best for them, and none of us are perfect. I know you know this, but I feel compelled to add it, since my husband Tom feels so much shame about this. But his childhood was such that it’s really hard to be reasonable about food. (I wish there was more research about how to treat these kind of issues. Overeating is regarded as volitional issue, and I’m not aware of really good treatment options.)
I don’t want my kids to feel like they suck if they are fat one day, and maybe depressed and not exercising, you know?
CherylC, that is a really big important point and I’m glad you made it. Because it’s like in this country we act like not eating right and not exercising is akin to killing puppies. I mean, we are more forgiving of people who cheat on their spouses than we are of fat people who — god forbid — admit to eating Krispy Kreme. You can look at the comments on political/celebrity cheating and you won’t see the same vitriol that you’d see on comments to an article about an actress who got fat. Hugs to your husband — he doesn’t deserve the shame heaped on him (none of us deserve more shame on shame).
(the commenting link at the bottom of the post doesn’t work).
It took me a while (several days after you posted) to read this post and now I have tears running down my face after reading these words: “I just hate being broke and I hate being ashamed of being broke because I know (theoretically) that there’s no shame in it — we’re working as hard as we can and then a little bit harder (because not only is our A/C broken but so is our dishwasher). And it’s not like we’re alone in our current economic struggles but still.”
I totally know what you mean, minus the broken things — I’m sorry for you guys (OK, I broke the self-propeller in our lawnmower, that’s the only broken thing so far). Anyway… I’m so glad you said this, I needed to read it. It’s what I feel about our lives every single day. Thank God K’s job is not in jeopardy and that the bail out came through for the mortgage payments.
This is also true of our family, as you already know: “we’ll just keep doing the best we can and keep cutting costs (although there aren’t a whole lot left to cut really — we’ve always been frugal and there comes a point where there aren’t really many extras to go) and hold on to each other when we get scared.” I think that’s why I don’t want to travel right now (I wrote a couple of posts about it) — we’ve gone through so much and I just want to be able to hug K and enjoy the peace that we’re finally experiencing — while it lasts.
I hope and pray that neither of you will lose a job. oh, and now I have to go back and read carefully about grad school — I’m excited for you!
Thank you, Dawn. Just plain thank you!!
I was just reading about K. Kardashian (sp?) and how her cellulite was airbrushed out of a magazine’s picture…not only was her cellulite erased but if you look closely her whole waist section was shrunk in to make her look smaller…and she is beautifully voluptous and delicious just as she is. No wonder we are all so screwed up with self image problems in this country…if we are trying to fix what is already damn near perfect what hope is there for the rest of us so yeah…glad to see how you are raising her to own up her own body type and acceptance of self.
I might steal that line though – “a little bit little and a little bit fat” She’s too much!LOL
It’s “eos” by the way…haven’t been posting much but wishing you the very best…times are a bit trying and I think of you often…hugs.
Honey, don’t ever think you are a bad mommy for not taking your kids to the movies or yelling at them once in a while. 50% of parents are doing a GREAT job. There is no such thing as a perfect job. Another 25% are doing the best they can, and the last 25% should never have had children. You are definitely a great parent and are open and honest with your children, and give them everything you can while sacrificing your own needs for the benefit of theirs. If this is not the closest thing to being a perfect parent, I don’t know what is. Your blog post is all about not letting your daughter beat herself up for not being perfect in size and shape, now stop beating yourself up for just being human every once in a while. You’re the kind of mommy that most people should aspire to be, and you’re lovely.
I have to thank you for posting this. Your frankness and honesty with Madison is… awesome. I’m so impressed. There was nothing like this in my family growing up, and it’s nice to know that it can happen. I really hope I’m that brave and honest if I ever have kids. Thanks again.